|
Teacher Humor from the Teacher Appreciation Kit New jokes every month. Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!" Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell." The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer." Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam." In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32." "How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old." A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." *Will you remember me in an hour? Yes. Will you remember me in a day? Yes. Will you remember me in a week? Yes. Will you remember me in a month? Yes. Will you remember me in a year? Yes. I think you won't. Yes, I will. Knock knock Who's there? See? You've forgotten me already! A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bacon! A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, ÒPLAY BALL!!!Ó A story was told many years ago about a young Hispanic man who was new to the United States of America. Feeling a little out of place, but desperately wanting to fit in and learn about the culture of America in general, and the outrageously popular sport of baseball in particular, Jose (pronounced ho-zay) decided to attend a local baseball game. This particular ball game was played on the 4th of July. He was a bit surprised before the game started to see the massive crowd stand to its feet. As Jose was not a man of large stature, he became a bit dismayed, wondering if he would be able to see the ball game with large numbers of tall Americanos standing all around him. As soon as they faced the flag and raised their voices in song, however, Jose was put at ease. How welcoming they all were! Their concern for him touched his heart deeply. The very first thing the people sang to him was: "Jose, can you see?" Q: What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride? A: I gotta get a softer saddle! Q: What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773? A: The Boston Flea Party! Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? A: The Americans licked the British! Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? A: Yeah, it cracked me up! Q: What did one flag say to the other flag? A: Nothing. It just waved! Q: What's red, white, blue, and gross? A: Uncle Spam! Q: What's red, white, black and blue? A: Uncle Sam falling down the steps! Q: Which colonists told the most jokes? A: Punsylvanians! Q: What dance was very popular in 1776? A: Indepen-dance! Q: Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour? A: Laughayette! Q: What did King George think of the American colonists? A: He thought they were revolting! Q: How were the early American settlers like ants? A: Because they lived in colonies. Q: What ghost haunted King George III? A: The spirit of '76! Q: Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army? A: He was a Yankee doodler! I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher's going to go up there and go, 'OK, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks.' ~Dave Barry Top Ten Signs You Are Headed For Summer School 10. You failed the Pledge of Allegiance 9. You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil 8. You identify more than half of the state capitals as "Funkytown" 7. Principal's final words before summer break: "See you tomorrow" 6. For your civics class project, you brought in several photos of Honda Civics 5. Whenever you enter the room, your family stops talking about Disneyland 4. Your history report was on President Martin Sheen 3. In your physics final, you keep referring to "gravity" as "gravy" 2. Latest report card includes several G's 1. You threw a phone at the principal One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A." A week later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!" A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. What's a tetanus shot, and how long has it been since I had one? A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??" Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon. | |
|