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Teacher Humor from the Teacher Appreciation Kit New jokes every month. Teacher: What are you reading? Pupil: I don't know. Teacher: But your reading aloud? Pupil: But I'm not listening! Teacher: What's an American Indian's wife called? Pupil: A squaw Teacher: That's right, and what are their babies called? Pupil: Squawkers! Teacher: Where are elephants found? Pupil: I don't know, they are so big I didn't think they could get lost! Teacher: If there are seven flies on a desk and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left? Pupil: Just the squashed one! Teacher: I wish you would pay a little attention. Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can! Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant? Pupil: Hong Kong. Teacher: Why do you say that? Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense! Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of. Pupil: Life imprisonment! Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters! DAD: How did you enjoy your school trip to the seaside, son? FRED: OK, Dad, but a crab bit my toe. DAD: Which one? FRED: Dunno. All crabs look alike to me. TEACHER: And what did you learn during the summer? PUPIL: I learned that three months is not enough time to straighten up my room. Summer camp is a fun place to be if you're a mosquito. We had big mosquitoes on our vacation. If you swatted them, they swatted you back. I never saw such big mosquitoes. I had one mosquito in my room and he kept me awake all night. He kept pushing me out of bed. This summer I saw the biggest mosquitoes I ever saw in my life. They were so big they came equipped with landing gear. The mosquitoes on our vacation were so big that insect repellent didn't bother them. They'd just carry you down to the stream and wash it off. The mosquitoes on our summer vacation were so big they not only bit you, they also knocked you down and stole your wallet. I wonder when mosquitoes go on vacation, do they complain about all the people? On our vacation this summer, I saw fireflies for the first time. I didn't know what they were. I thought the mosquitoes were coming after us with flashlights. Parents are funny They want me to learn how to survive in the wilderness, but they won't let me go to the mall on my own. Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: How to write. Mother: What did you write? Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet! TEACHER: How did Edison's invention of electricity affect society? PUPIL: If it weren't for him, we'd have to watch television by candlelight! TEACHER: Name a conductor of electricity. PUPIL: Why, er. TEACHER: Wire is right. Name a unit of electrical power. PUPIL: What? TEACHER: The watt is absolutely correct. TEACHER: Who can give me a definition of claustrophobia? PUPIL: An unnatural fear of Santa Claus. TEACHER: Why did the germ cross the microscope? PUPIL: To get to the other slide. TEACHER: Can you tell me what death is? PUPIL: Patrick Henry's second choice. Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus! From a brand new teacher... Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity and behaviorally modify disruptive behavior. I'm to teach them good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others. I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree. I am to attend committee and faculty meetings, and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to purchase supplies, room decorations, bulletin board supplies, supplies for children who can't afford them, and luxury items such as scissors, glue, scotch tape, paper clips, note book paper, red pens, and markers with my own money as there is no money in the budget for these items. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. ...Is that all? Author Unknown One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" Teacher: Why are you late, Little Johnny? Little Johnny: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Little Johnny: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!" TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?" College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it." Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking. "Surely I can't look that old?" WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE: My name is Jane Long and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name, Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Spaulding Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Bulldog," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1977. Why do you ask?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BISCUIT-EATER ASKED: "What did you teach?" It's late fall and the Native Americans on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy!" When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land. "Wise counselor," Nathan began, "it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them down the road of knowledge. Please tell me the secret of becoming a teacher." "Your goal is a commendable one, Nathan. However, it is also a very difficult one to achieve. First you must overcome three major obstacles." "I am ready to meet the challenge," answered Nathan bravely. "First you must swim the Sea of Children," directed the knowing counselor. Nathan started off to swim the Sea of Children. First he had to learn their 38 names. He had to send the line cutters to the end of the line. He made the paper throwers stay after school to clean the room. He commanded the name callers, pushers, and punchers to apologize to their victims. He gave M&M's to those who finished assignments and stars to those who were sitting in their seats quietly. Nathan checked passes to see how many children were in the bathroom. And he tracked down students who were gone longer than was necessary. He arranged the desks in alphabetical order, then boy-girl, boy-girl, and finally into small groups of four. He lined his children up for physical education and music and library and lunch. Then he stifled a cry when the secretary came into the room with number 39. Tired and shaken but still undefeated, Nathan returned to the counselor for his second task. "You are a very determined lad," said the advisor. "However, now you must climb the Mountain of Paperwork." Nathan set out at once. He wrote objectives and drew up lesson plans. He made out report cards and graded papers. He filled out accident reports, attendance reports and withdrawal reports. He completed inventories, evaluations, surveys, and request forms. Finally, he made copies, copies, and more copies. He ran them off until he was purple in the face. But the courageous boy's resolve never dwindled. He went to the wise counselor for his third task. "You are indeed very strong, Nathan. But this third task will take all the courage you can muster. You must now cross the country of Duties and Committees." At first Nathan was hesitant. But his convictions remained steadfast. He began his long journey across the country of Duties and Committees. Nathan took lunch duty, bus duty, and recess duty. He was on the social committee, patrol committee, and the faculty advisory committee. He was the adult supervisor of the student government and ran the United Fund and Easter Seal drives. He went to PTA meetings, NRA meetings, SST meetings, School Site meetings, and in-service workshops. He organized bicentennial programs, talent shows, and book drives. Finally, he was elected the building representative of the union. At last Nathan reached the outskirts of Duties and Committees. Exhausted but happy, he returned to the knowledgeable counselor. "I swam the Sea of Children. I climbed the Mountain of Paperwork. I crossed the country of Duties and Committees," Nathan proclaimed. "Am I not worthy of the title of Teacher?" "Why, Nathan," began the counselor, "you have been a teacher all along." Nathan protested, "But I have not stimulated any minds. I have not guided anyone down the road to knowledge, I have not had any time to teach" "Oh, you say you want to TEACH! I thought you said you wanted to be a teacher. That is a completely different story!! A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen." The teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." Teacher: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?" Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner." A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth. An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. This 911 call is too funny to pass up. It has everything packed into 10 seconds - spelling problems, trauma, quick thinking problem-solving . . . you'll see. Click here | |
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