|
Teacher Humor from the Teacher Appreciation Kit New jokes every month. A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A." A week later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!" A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. What's a tetanus shot, and how long has it been since I had one? A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??" Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon. Yogi Berra Quotes
Manager: Fourteen teams in the league and you guys finish last? Shortstop: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How? Shortstop: There could have been more teams in the league! Pete Rose tried to join Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him two to one he wouldn't make it. Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." Q. What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? A. Two points just like everybody! Q. What do you call a dumb bunny? A. A hare brain. Q. How many hairs in a rabbit's tail? A. None, they're all on the outside. Q. What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? A. You u'nique up on him. Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit? A. Tame way, u'nique up on it. Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A. A receding hareline. Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Q. How are rabbits like calculators? A. They both multiply really fast. Q. Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long? A. Because then it would be a foot. Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? A. Just look for the gray hares. Q. What is a rabbit's favorite dance? A. The Bunny Hop of course. Q. Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup? A. Looks like the back stroke. Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider? A. A harenet. Q. Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? A. It has 4 rabbits' feet. Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny! Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies? A. To the hare-after. Q: Why are people always tired in April? A: Because they just finished a march Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show? A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it. Q. Why does the easter bunny have such a shiny nose? A. His powder puff's on the wrong end. Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? A. 14 carrot gold. Knock,knock. Who's there? Ether Ether who? Ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Juan Juan who? Juan more ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Stella Stella who? Stella nother ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Justin Justin who? Justin other Ether Bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Samoa Samoa who? Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey Dewey who? Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes? Knock, knock. Who's there? Consumption. Consumption who? Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies? Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cryÐall the Ether bunnies will be back again next year! An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent." An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May! Q. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A. Spring-time! Q. Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A. Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March! Spring breakÑthat's when kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity. Spring breakÑthat's when kids go wild someplace other than school. The college kids call it spring "break." Their parents, however, call it spring "broke." Spring break is when the nation's college kids demonstrate to the world how much they've learned. As a new school principal, Mr. Smith was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" Teacher: I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times? Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either! If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have? A new bike! If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left? I don't know. Why not? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges. Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once! I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra! Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0 Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy! | |
|