|
Teacher Humor from the Teacher Appreciation Kit New jokes every month. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?" College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it." Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking. "Surely I can't look that old?" WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE: My name is Jane Long and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name, Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Spaulding Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Bulldog," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1977. Why do you ask?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BISCUIT-EATER ASKED: "What did you teach?" It's late fall and the Native Americans on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy!" When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land. "Wise counselor," Nathan began, "it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them down the road of knowledge. Please tell me the secret of becoming a teacher." "Your goal is a commendable one, Nathan. However, it is also a very difficult one to achieve. First you must overcome three major obstacles." "I am ready to meet the challenge," answered Nathan bravely. "First you must swim the Sea of Children," directed the knowing counselor. Nathan started off to swim the Sea of Children. First he had to learn their 38 names. He had to send the line cutters to the end of the line. He made the paper throwers stay after school to clean the room. He commanded the name callers, pushers, and punchers to apologize to their victims. He gave M&M's to those who finished assignments and stars to those who were sitting in their seats quietly. Nathan checked passes to see how many children were in the bathroom. And he tracked down students who were gone longer than was necessary. He arranged the desks in alphabetical order, then boy-girl, boy-girl, and finally into small groups of four. He lined his children up for physical education and music and library and lunch. Then he stifled a cry when the secretary came into the room with number 39. Tired and shaken but still undefeated, Nathan returned to the counselor for his second task. "You are a very determined lad," said the advisor. "However, now you must climb the Mountain of Paperwork." Nathan set out at once. He wrote objectives and drew up lesson plans. He made out report cards and graded papers. He filled out accident reports, attendance reports and withdrawal reports. He completed inventories, evaluations, surveys, and request forms. Finally, he made copies, copies, and more copies. He ran them off until he was purple in the face. But the courageous boy's resolve never dwindled. He went to the wise counselor for his third task. "You are indeed very strong, Nathan. But this third task will take all the courage you can muster. You must now cross the country of Duties and Committees." At first Nathan was hesitant. But his convictions remained steadfast. He began his long journey across the country of Duties and Committees. Nathan took lunch duty, bus duty, and recess duty. He was on the social committee, patrol committee, and the faculty advisory committee. He was the adult supervisor of the student government and ran the United Fund and Easter Seal drives. He went to PTA meetings, NRA meetings, SST meetings, School Site meetings, and in-service workshops. He organized bicentennial programs, talent shows, and book drives. Finally, he was elected the building representative of the union. At last Nathan reached the outskirts of Duties and Committees. Exhausted but happy, he returned to the knowledgeable counselor. "I swam the Sea of Children. I climbed the Mountain of Paperwork. I crossed the country of Duties and Committees," Nathan proclaimed. "Am I not worthy of the title of Teacher?" "Why, Nathan," began the counselor, "you have been a teacher all along." Nathan protested, "But I have not stimulated any minds. I have not guided anyone down the road to knowledge, I have not had any time to teach" "Oh, you say you want to TEACH! I thought you said you wanted to be a teacher. That is a completely different story!! A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen." The teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." Teacher: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?" Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner." A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth. An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks that they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'? There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change." The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change. Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium Pro CPU's working in parallel. It has been benchmarked at 1.4 trillion instructions per second, and it is the fastest computer in the world today. Rumor has it that it boots Windows XP in less than a minute. Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive." Think about this... A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ......... In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a kindergarten teacher. "I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said. "You probably know of those "walking to school" stories ... I walked to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow ..... Well, when I was a kid, I really did walk 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did I feel stupid when I found out there was a bus." The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know." On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course. The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose. Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ..." The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance." On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?". "No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!" Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: Indeed! And what sort of clothes might that be? Student: Imaginary clothes. Johnny's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Johnny handed in a poor paper. "This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "One person didn't," replied Little Johnny defensively. "My father helped me." The chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, "When I was your age I knew all their names and symbols." One kid popped up, "Yeah... but, there were so few of them back then." The little boy greeted his grandmother with a big hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now, maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." PUPIL: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not. PUPIL: Good, because I didn't do my homework. TEACHER: Did you do your homework? PUPIL: No teacher. TEACHER: Do you have an excuse? PUPIL: Yes, it's all my mother's fault. TEACHER: She kept you from doing it? PUPIL: No, she didn't nag me enough! TEACHER: This homework looks like your mothers writing. PUPIL: Of course, I used her pen! SON: Dad, I'm tired of doing homework. FATHER: Now, son, hard work never killed anyone. SON: I know, but I don't want to be the first. TEACHER: How do you like doing your homework? PUPIL: I like doing nothing better. Well, I figured out what I'm going to be doing in my old age - my homework. I have so much homework to do it doesn't leave me any time for my studies. I'm so far behind in my homework that my 2nd grade teacher asked me to bring my parents to school. And I'm in the 5th grade. I'm going to lead a long life. That's the only way I'll ever get caught up on all my homework. TEACHER: That should be enough homework to keep you busy. PUPIL: That should be enough homework to keep the Chinese Army busy. TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? PUPIL: Don't bite any. TEACHER: Where do bugs go in winter? PUPIL: Search me. TEACHER: No, thanks, I just wondered if you knew. TEACHER: Sssshhh! The people next to you can't read. SECOND GRADER: What a shame! I've been reading since last year. TEACHER: Where do blue eggs come from? PUPIL: From sad chickens TEACHER: Emma, spell mouse. PUPIL: M O U S. TEACHER: Yes and what's on the end of it? PUPIL: A tail? Is your teacher strict? I don't know. I'm too scared to ask. TEACHER: This apple you gave me has some strange marks on it. PUPIL: Well, so does the report card you gave me. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. TEACHER: An anonymous person is one who doesn't wish to be known. PUPIL: What a stupid definition! TEACHER: Who said that? PUPIL: An anonymous person. A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!" GRANDPARENTS: My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. We had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I was mentally polishing my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said....... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades....... somebody is going to get a spanking........." Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas." "Mary," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. "Billy, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Billy, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Billy. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it." An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?" The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no crayons." "Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?" A High School Teacher was giving a big test one day to her students. She handed out all of the tests and went back to her desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The teacher noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the teacher handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. What would you get if you crossed vegetables with a necklace? A food chain. What do you call angry bacteria? A cross culture. What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table. How much was the science student paid? A cent a grade (centigrade). Why was the month so worried? Its days were numbered. What do you call a blue white metal? Zinc about it. What does a skeleton use for skating? Its shoulder blades. Where do you buy used arms for robots? At a second hand store. How did the computer programmer get out of prison? He used the escape key What do airports and computers have in common? Terminals. As a new school principal, Mr. Smith was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" Teacher: I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times? Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either! If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have? A new bike! If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left? I don't know. Why not? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges. Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once! I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra! Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0 If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father! Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy! | |
|