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Teacher Humor from the Teacher Appreciation Kit New jokes every month. This 911 call is too funny to pass up. It has everything packed into 10 seconds - spelling problems, trauma, quick thinking problem-solving . . . you'll see. Click here There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change." The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change. Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium Pro CPU's working in parallel. It has been benchmarked at 1.4 trillion instructions per second, and it is the fastest computer in the world today. Rumor has it that it boots Windows XP in less than a minute. Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive." Think about this... A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ......... In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a kindergarten teacher. "I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said. "You probably know of those "walking to school" stories ... I walked to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow ..... Well, when I was a kid, I really did walk 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did I feel stupid when I found out there was a bus." The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know." On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course. The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose. Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ..." The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance." On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?". "No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!" Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: Indeed! And what sort of clothes might that be? Student: Imaginary clothes. Johnny's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Johnny handed in a poor paper. "This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "One person didn't," replied Little Johnny defensively. "My father helped me." The chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, "When I was your age I knew all their names and symbols." One kid popped up, "Yeah... but, there were so few of them back then." The little boy greeted his grandmother with a big hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now, maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." PUPIL: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not. PUPIL: Good, because I didn't do my homework. TEACHER: Did you do your homework? PUPIL: No teacher. TEACHER: Do you have an excuse? PUPIL: Yes, it's all my mother's fault. TEACHER: She kept you from doing it? PUPIL: No, she didn't nag me enough! TEACHER: This homework looks like your mothers writing. PUPIL: Of course, I used her pen! SON: Dad, I'm tired of doing homework. FATHER: Now, son, hard work never killed anyone. SON: I know, but I don't want to be the first. TEACHER: How do you like doing your homework? PUPIL: I like doing nothing better. Well, I figured out what I'm going to be doing in my old age - my homework. I have so much homework to do it doesn't leave me any time for my studies. I'm so far behind in my homework that my 2nd grade teacher asked me to bring my parents to school. And I'm in the 5th grade. I'm going to lead a long life. That's the only way I'll ever get caught up on all my homework. TEACHER: That should be enough homework to keep you busy. PUPIL: That should be enough homework to keep the Chinese Army busy. TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? PUPIL: Don't bite any. TEACHER: Where do bugs go in winter? PUPIL: Search me. TEACHER: No, thanks, I just wondered if you knew. TEACHER: Sssshhh! The people next to you can't read. SECOND GRADER: What a shame! I've been reading since last year. TEACHER: Where do blue eggs come from? PUPIL: From sad chickens TEACHER: Emma, spell mouse. PUPIL: M O U S. TEACHER: Yes and what's on the end of it? PUPIL: A tail? Is your teacher strict? I don't know. I'm too scared to ask. TEACHER: This apple you gave me has some strange marks on it. PUPIL: Well, so does the report card you gave me. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. TEACHER: An anonymous person is one who doesn't wish to be known. PUPIL: What a stupid definition! TEACHER: Who said that? PUPIL: An anonymous person. A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!" GRANDPARENTS: My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. We had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I was mentally polishing my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said....... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades....... somebody is going to get a spanking........." Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas." "Mary," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. "Billy, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Billy, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Billy. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it." An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?" The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no crayons." "Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?" A High School Teacher was giving a big test one day to her students. She handed out all of the tests and went back to her desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The teacher noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the teacher handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. What would you get if you crossed vegetables with a necklace? A food chain. What do you call angry bacteria? A cross culture. What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table. How much was the science student paid? A cent a grade (centigrade). Why was the month so worried? Its days were numbered. What do you call a blue white metal? Zinc about it. What does a skeleton use for skating? Its shoulder blades. Where do you buy used arms for robots? At a second hand store. How did the computer programmer get out of prison? He used the escape key What do airports and computers have in common? Terminals. As a new school principal, Mr. Smith was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" Teacher: I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times? Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either! If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have? A new bike! If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left? I don't know. Why not? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges. Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once! I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra! Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0 If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father! Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy! When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. | |
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